Powder Room Poems
by clueless in seattle
Summary: As Bobby heads into the sunset of his career with Major Case...there is one mystery remains to be solved. Chapter 12 may have the answer. Happy Easter.
1. Introduction

**_Saturday 1__st__ March 2008_**

_**Hi there!**_

A word of explanation…to save _"cluttering"_ the pages with my junk I've merged items.

I didn't want to delete them because, incredibly, there are some readers who like them…

These are poems that my cousin...I mean...my contacts at 1PP send to me, copied from the ladies rest room walls throughout the building. Written in indelible purple marker pen, they are quite scurrilous dirges and speculations about Bobby Goren's anatomy, his other accessories and things which happen to him. I only correct the spelling.

**CHAPTERS 2-8** are items first published in **2007**

**CHAPTER 9** (and anything subsequent to that) are **new/later** additions.

_Hope that helps!_

_**Clueless in Seattle**_


	2. Floor Five

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…oh please… there is nothing dignified in seeing a grown man begging)_

**With thanks to my cousin…I mean…my sources at 1PP…**

**THE LADIES' ROOM (FLOOR FIVE)**

**What does Bobby keep in that folder?**

A scarf in case it turns colder?

What's hidden inside

That case made of hide

He clutches so tight to his shoulder?

**Chances came and went almost weekly**

To get inside and come over sneaky

When he got hit by car

On the way to the ER

Fortune favours those who are cheeky

**First thing I pulled from the zipper**

Was a type of masculine clipper

Designed for the nose

Other places hair grows

But six inches of carpet gripper?

**Of course there was paper and pen**

Loose change to a dollar and ten

Even a small stencil

Spare lead for his pencil

Let's face it a guy never knows when

**For I don't mean the sort meant for writing**

This will have your bottom lip biting

For to add to his ills

Bobby seems to need pills

To make a girl's night real exciting

**But enough of that sensation**

I'm sure there's an explanation

When other things get hard

There's a spare library card

Let's move on to fresh revelation

**Postage stamps were not a surprise**

Nor the feathers for tying fish flies

But carefully hidden

Amidst the midden

Something out on stalks sent my eyes

**For here is a thing for you to savour**

The discovery that Bobby does favour

Birth control quite erotic

Some might say it's exotic

Six condoms all raspberry flavour.

_**AN:**__ I'm sorry that it's not chocolate…don't blame me…I only correct the spelling…_


	3. Floor Ten

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…and did no-one ever tell you you'd go blind keep doing that?)_

_**Thanks to my sources at 1PP…**_

**THE LADIES ROOM (FLOOR 10)**

**The crimes Bobby solves are hard ones**

He does it without yelling or guns.

He uses that brain

To find the insane,

Its just rumour he flashes his buns.

**His duty well done he goes home**

Quite happy to live on his own,

To cook something nice,

With plenty of spice

And some nights have sex on the phone.

**I know what you all must be thinking**

To do such a thing he's been drinking,

But so you are clearer

I plan to move nearer

Excuse me…that's my cell phone blinking.

_**AN:**__ This poem was written by that well-known author "Anon" in what looked like purple marker pen._


	4. Floor Nine

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…try taking a cold shower…that usually works)_

_**Thanks to $500 carefully distributed at 1PP…**_

**THE LADIES' ROOM (FLOOR NINE)**

**We all know Bobby G has big feet**

Too large they won't go under his seat,

The ladies are so keen

To know if size thirteen,

Means something else it's tough to pack _"neat"._

**Female eyes pop out of their sockets**

When his hands go into his pockets,

Just to get out some change

They aim to be in range,

The day that he unveils his rocket.

**To find out it was really a breeze**

The day Bobby had a cough and a sneeze.

I waited until when,

Distracted by phlegm

I could just sneak by and steal all his keys.

**To the locker room labelled for gents**

On my tiptoes I hurriedly went.

To my delight I found there

He keeps spare underwear,

But in the rush the key got a bit bent

**So on the HQ flagpole keep watch**

As tomorrow flies from the top notch,

Will flap Bobby's shorts,

They're crosses and noughts

(And of course extra room in the crotch)

_**AN:**__ Yeah, yeah I'm sure when Bobby sneezes it's really vintage champagne comes down his nose…I only correct the smelling…I mean spelling…_


	5. Mezzanine Floor

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…do you think you could quit fumbling around in your end zone long enough to go make a pot of coffee?) 

_**AN:**__**This was faxed to me this morning…I only corrected the spelin…I mean spelling...**_

**THE LADIES ROOM (MEZZANINE FLOOR)**

**We all know that Bobby is a saint.**

Far be it from me, him to taint,

But what follows is truth

And warning to youth.

Read on, but be ready to faint.

**About the size of his knife we may talk.**

"_How fast the action!!"_ some squawk.

But you cannot ignore,

It's against the law

And switchblades are banned in New York.

**While some of you run off to check,**

I'll tell of his closest _"shave"_ yet.

A suitable word

For what occurred

An incident he'd rather forget.

**Two weeks ago in Central Park**

He, Eames and a corpse in the dark.

CSI were there,

Mack Taylor's glare,

_"Be quick. I've another scene to mark"_

**As Bobby stepped over a flower**

Taylor was perfecting his glower.

"_I dunno about you,_

_I have things to do._

_Goren, I don't want to miss happy hour"_

**It's possible Bobby was distracted**

Taylor's moaning on him had impacted.

Though those who were there,

Said Eames bore her share

Of blame, for the scene then enacted.

**Goren was jotting some notes in his folder**

"_Drink your coffee before it gets colder._

_I'd love one with foam_

_But my purse left at home"_

Eames hinted, waving empty cup holder.

**So seeking to put end to her whine**

"How much?" _"Three bucks will be fine"._

Was fumbling for change

The switchblade in range,

But it didn't flip open on dimes.

**For here's the bit not very nice**

It cut through Bobby's pants in a trice.

With its faulty spring

It flew into him.

Goren felt a part of him sliced.

**From his groin blood started to spurt,**

It even flew over Eames' shirt.

Bobby was screaming,

She as if dreaming

And doing it face down in the dirt.

**As Bobby faced a fellow's worst dread**

"_Shame about the suit"_ was all Taylor said.

"Have you gone quite barmy?

Forget the Armani!

Something here's hanging on by a thread!!!"

**You could forgive that Goren was shouting**

With his fear of castration mounting.

He reached for his gun

"Call nine one one!!"

He yelled to stop himself counting.

**Urgent help Mack could see he was needing**

Bobby's chances of being _"Dad"_ fast receding.

As Eames came around

Goren hit the ground,

"Hang on Bobby! I'll stop the bleeding"

**Some of you think to Alex I'm cruel**

Someone rumour constantly fuels.

In this rendition?

Her life's ambition

As she gets to grab Bobby's crown jewels.

**Then the medics they arrived rushing.**

Her face was suddenly blushing.

They shot mace in her eyes

Made her let go her prize

"His groin with saline needs flushing"

**As Bobby was rushed to ER**

Taylor went off to the bar.

In the hall Eames paced

And rinsed her face,

The doctor they called best by far.

**When Bobby came round he was twitching.**

_"You certainly needed some stitching"_

"Do I still have two?"

_"That's good news for you,_

_But a few weeks before you're back pitching"_

"**Thanks Doc you sure saved my life"**

_"Teach you not to tote a switch knife"_

"What can I expect?"

_"We need to do tests_

_Tell me son? Do you have a wife?"_

"**No"**** he said, again feeling glum**

"Oh hell Doc, what have I done?"

_"It might have been worse"_

The doc his voice terse

_"At least you can still fire on one"_

_"**The other will take longer to tell.**_

_If you need something, here is the bell._

_I think it now best_

_You get some good rest._

_We'll soon have you up and quite well"_

**Bobby thought that a very poor joke**

And it hurt round the dressing to poke.

He'd had a near miss

And at times like this

He regretted the choice not to smoke.

**Now Bobby he healed quite fast**

Though he hated daily salt baths.

He grew _"very fond"_

Of a nursing blonde

Quickly back to reaching _"half-mast"._

**When he got home his co-workers smirking.**

Round his apartment, ten women lurking.

"_Call when you're ready._

_Our hands are steady_

_If you need help to…check all is working"_

**Today Bobby is feeling fantastic.**

Soon can shed that support of elastic.

If he carries a knife

The rest of his life

He'll be sure it's one made of plastic.

_**AN:**__Oooh…baaadass Bobby…carrying an illegal knife…(swoons)_


	6. Floor Thirteen

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…oh stop complaining it was you ate the damn crackers watching the Mets game last night…now shove over and stay that side of the bed…I need room for the laptop)_

_**With thanks to my sources at 1PP…**_

**THE LADIES' ROOM (FLOOR THIRTEEN)**

**We all know Bobby has large feet**

Just the thought increases our heat,

But is it a myth

That big feet go with

Something else would be quite a treat?

**Each day our desire to know grows**

Has us almost coming to blows

Does size really count?

It's not the amount

It's how much a guy really knows.

**Now this will give you the bad grumps**

That last night in my bed Bobby jumps

But what made me stare

At him almost bare

Were his size thirteen ballet pumps.

**He kept them on getting in bed**

What the heck goes on in his head?

I'm wanting action

Some bodily traction

Not a lecture on dance instead.

_**The guy has to be such a nerd**_

To go on about _"The Firebird"_

He might love _"Giselle"_

For me it was hell

By_"Swan Lake"_ enough had I heard.

**At**_**"Rite of Spring"**_** I was moaning**

"It's the bedsprings should be groaning"

I yelled _"Nut Cracker"_

Like an attacker

That scared him out of the droning.

**So no more dance exposition**

Bobby went quickly into transition

Just take it from me

He knows more than three

And not just five basic positions.

**This does not answer the quest**

Of the foot size about we all jest

Last night is a blur

Bobby's_"pas de deux"_

Proves his now sleeping_ "beauty"_is best.

_**AN:**__ This was written by "ANON" in indelible purple marker pen…I only corrected the spelling…_


	7. Floor Four

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…I warned you not to keep doing that…and stop being such a baby…it's only a flesh wound)_

_**With thanks (I think) to my sources at 1PP…and whoever owns the indelible purple marker pen..**_

**THE LADIES ROOM (FLOOR FOUR)**

_**(Beside The Hand Drier)**_

"**To B from me" a new tie clip**

At a price was really a snip.

Eighteen carat gold

It surely is bold

And made in the shape of a ship.

**His face it was very excited**

I could see that he was delighted.

As we toasted in gin

He gave me that grin.

I swear parts of me had ignited.

**He wore it when we went to dine,**

The wine Bobby chose it was fine.

By candlelight glint

In his eyes a hint

The night it should end quite sublime.

**At home we turned to beer drinking**

My hand soon had the ship sinking.

Far, far down below

His voice soft and low,

"_Can you guess what now I am thinking?"_

**My mind it was working the same**

All night that had been my sole aim.

It guided my hand

Inside his waistband

_"Come on let's play a new game"_

**The tie clip he left by the bed**

On the pillow he settled his head.

His need it was strong,

"Don't be very long"

As I went in the bathroom, he said.

**Stepping out Bobby was snoozing**

It must have been all that boozing.

Now less a lover

Beneath the cover,

Not just interest was Goren losing.

**Consider my desperate plight**

What a lousy end to the night.

I gave him a poke

"This isn't a joke"

When the answer it came into sight.

**For there on the side was my gift**

Used right Bobby started to shift.

Each part I did nip,

The grip of the ship,

Had my hopes and more start to lift.

** Not sure if this I should say ought**

How well Bobby _"sailed into port"._

How big _"below decks"_

Or how good the sex.

(But the number it ends in a nought)

**I hope the new clip he won't lose**

In future its use when we choose.

I'm starting to blush

And I have to rush,

We're off on a fortnight's cruise.

_**(Over The Washbasins)**_

**When Bobby and I went to sea**

His tie pin went with him, for free.

The new one I got

Didn't cost a lot,

But worth every cent believe me.

**Two weeks we aimed to devote**

So each time he opens his coat,

The pin will remind

Of Bobby's behind.

And what it got up to afloat.

**For when Bob bobs up and down**

The last thing I had was a frown.

Couldn't wait for the motion

Of him on the ocean.

When he's _that_ good living in town?

**With the ship pin Bobby was able**

To wear it to Captain's table.

A nice man but boring,

He soon had me snoring

At every nautical fable.

**Bad enough but the sea had got wavy.**

At dinner, care needed with gravy.

Then he got very jokey

Organised karaoke.

You should see Bobby do _"In The Navy"_

**I admit the whole room was impressed**

But I was growing more stressed.

"No YMCA"

As I led him away.

"Come with me and let's get undressed"

** For once he stopped with the singing**

Our clothes Bobby soon started flinging.

From my lips came a moan

And then a loud groan,

When somewhere a bell began ringing.

**Of course, Bobby found it quite thrilling**

Trust him to have read about drilling.

"_This way to our boat._

_Here take my coat_

_I don't want you too cold and chilling"_

**I must say that was so sweet**

As my hand fit in his, real neat.

In the halls a fight,

Bobby held on tight

And topside I was glad of his heat.

**For as passengers came on the deck**

Goren and I we had a quick neck.

"_Was there this panic_

_Aboard the Titanic?"_

"Don't Bobby you'll make _me_ a wreck"

"**I'm sure there's nothing to fear,**

I don't mean to scare you, my dear"

For then in my eyes

Was pleasant surprise,

At what Bobby had said in my ear.

**The crew round the ship had to race**

To say not to bring trunk or case.

In boat number three,

Just Bobby and me

And him in safe at _"third base"._

**The drill it was taking some time**

So people did grumble and whine.

Complaining non stop

As I got on top,

Whilst Bobby was doing just fine.

**They were still calling a passenger list**

As a suggestion to me Bobby hissed.

Approaching_"home plate"_

In a bit of a state,

That was one _"inside curve ball"_ he missed.

**While the Captain had a quick dram**

The cruisers were muttering, _"Damn"._

When they went below,

We were in full flow

And going for our second _"grand slam"._

**I know you think I may jest**

Or want juicy detail._ "What's next?_

_Is Bobby a goat_

_When he sheds his coat?"_

"Of course. Now I need a rest"

_**(On The Mirror)**_

**As Bobby and I sailed the seas**

New ways each other we pleased.

But amidst our sins

I feared for my limbs

Never again would meet my two knees.

**But vacations don't last forever**

And we hadn't seen much of the weather.

As home we did sail

Our bodies quite pale

Other people had turned like old leather.

**We sailed into port in some style**

Off the boat our fellows did file.

Us in the last batch

I saw Bobby scratch,

But he'd not worn shorts in a while.

**You see I can be quite astute.**

In clothes he no question is cute,

With that little grin

And shiny tie pin.

But his best look's the birthday suit.

**To look that smart he gets picky**

That day his tie extra tricky.

The collar to hide,

Four nail marks inside

And under his ear a fresh hickey.

**Next day we went back to working**

Our duty we could not be shirking.

But hard to forget

Each time our eyes met,

Had Bob and me again smirking.

**But our love it has been exposed**

Through the building everyone knows.

Was Eames the news broke.

With her telescope,

It pays to keep bedroom drapes closed.

**Wasn't that which got Bobby vexed.**

But the problem that came along next.

His Mets tickets late,

By gate number eight,

Each day he sent them ten texts.

**For Bobby was getting quite blue**

And I was not sure what to do.

Secretly counting

The days were mounting,

Something else now well overdue.

**The tickets we got out at Shea**

And Bobby I told on that day.

Of my suspicion,

Likely condition

Surprised he did not faint away.

**He drove to the pharmacy door**

Bought three tests so we could be sure.

But when we got home

Made him leave me alone,

I could hear him pacing the floor.

**Bobby anxious for the result**

Said,_"I guess this is all my fault?"_

"To tango takes two

Which means me and you,

Though it's not the outcome we sought"

**"_If it's yes would you think me mad_**

_Of a baby I would be quite glad?"_

"No" I had to smile

At blue in the vial

"Bobby? You're gonna be a Dad"

**Like a kid in a candy store**

I never saw him excited more.

Well not in this way

As every day,

Some thought when he steps through the door.

"_**I'd like a nursery with stars.**_

_Don't forget, tonight its Le Mars._

_A girl or a boy?_

_It would be my joy_

_To play with cute dollies or cars"_

**A crib Bobby wants us to choose**

When I see him I'll have fresh news.

Seems we've two for one

Daughter and son,

Not sure Goren's cool this won't lose.

**But please heed this word from the wise**

Bobby is not like some other guys.

When down below decks,

Remember safe sex

Or you could be getting my size.

**_(On The Door__… __under the "please wash your hands" sign)_**

**As this stanza of passion begins**

I was the one left expecting twins,

Lack of precaution

Whilst on the ocean.

All started thanks to Bobby's tiepin.

**The Daddy-to-be on a winner,**

Not the one throwing up after dinner.

And oh what a bore

Breasts that were sore

While the bank account only grew thinner.

**Since even before they were born**

Of twins the costs, I should warn.

The bills just mounting,

As weeks were counting,

And that pin we lucky not to pawn.

**Bobby thought that we should pick names**

"_What do you think of Esther and James?"_

"I guess that we could.

Or maybe we should"

It's not like I wanted other games.

"**I quite like Peter and Cindy"**

"_Or how about Michael and Lindy?"_

Then after a while

Bobby made me smile

When he suggested, _"There's Mork and Mindy?"_

**But no names had we chance to favour**

Before one night, I went into labour.

Too busy sweating,

Ten hours later regretting

The epidural option to waiver.

**Bobby stayed incredibly calm**

Despite bruises I left on his arm.

At times I did curse

As the pains got worse.

Only one time any cause for alarm.

**It was Bobby who feared for his life**

He'd not live to make me his wife.

For something he said

He could have been dead,

Regret always having that switch knife.

**He thought it helpful no doubt,**

As I lost the will, to shout,

"_Try pushing some more_

_It's a physical law_

_That what goes in, must come out"_

**With the blade at his throat he got real**

"_I realise this is an ordeal"_

"You can say that again"

I hissed through the pain

As the nurse gave him gloves on to peel.

**Ten minutes later I forgave Bobby**

Both of us snivelling and sobby.

As I held our girl

My mind in a whirl

And his son likely heard in the lobby.

**"_How could someone so small be so loud?"_**

Bobby sniffed, though he really was proud.

"I don't know" I said

As I kissed his head

"I hope that four's not a crowd"

**Of course that was some time ago**

To this day, my Bobby does glow.

Comes home with a toy

For his girl and boy

Who like him each day they do grow.

**Two memories of the cruise ship.**

This year I won't get him a clip.

For his birthday gift,

On which I won't shift

Is Bobby booked in for "_the snip"._

**He's planning a tree house from planks.**

For Rachel and Pip we give thanks.

But when we next cruise

To cuddle and schmooze,

The only thing Bobby shoots will be blanks.

**It's his turn to do all the yelling**

Endure some parts of him swelling.

Nor will I remind

Or be so unkind

"What goes up comes down. Like tree felling?"

**I must go. I hear sounds from the den.**

It's like that comes home Daddy when.

If you want any more

Rhymes on this loo door

Go out and get your own purple pen.

_**AN:**__I hope they lived happy after…could this poem have got much dafter?…the tears in me are just welling…and I only correct all the spelling…_


	8. The Basement

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…what do you mean you put the cat out? We don't have a cat?!?!?)_

_**This is rather "naughty"…I'm glad I only correct the spulling…I mean the spelling…postscript to the story **_**"The Sights You See When You Don't Have A Gun"**

**THE LADIES ROOM (THE BASEMENT)**

**So a**_**"Who Am I?"**_** is what you must do**

**To start you off, I give you this clue.**

**To Goren, I was as close like second skin**

**But now I'm cast off, he's a man of some whim.**

He wanted me all over each and every day,

A second clue? The man is not gay.

Wanted me to touch him from head to toe

Not an inch of Bobby that I don't know.

**I include the part about you all ponder**

**All over that I got slowly to wander.**

**To brush through salt and pepper curls,**

**He likes it best in a pattern of whorls.**

Bobby loves it real hard on his back

Though care round the sack and his crack.

(An error of spelling? To my dismay!

That was meant to say sac…now minus the _"K"_)

**Can you imagine a job much better?**

**No wonder I got wet and wetter.**

**Though damp would be more precise**

**And rubbing Goren's tummy was nice.**

Do you know yet just who I am?

Once clung round the hips of our man?

And not wishing to be too crass,

Got a wonderful view of his arse.

**I don't want you think it a fiction**

**He sighs, the greater the friction.**

**The only bad bit on him you know**

**Round his right and funny big toe.**

But those days are gone no doubt

For Bobby has worn me out.

No longer am I fluffy and soft.

I'm consigned to a box in the loft.

**Where I used to hang out there's a green one**

**To his place in the mail it did come.**

**Please forgive my sobs and my yowl,**

**It's tough being the old blue towel.**

_**AN :**__Don't blame me…blame someone at 1PP…and all those who wanted to know what happened to Bobby's bath towel…sob…sniff…poor towel…_


	9. SVU Manhattan

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…well what do you expect when imagination exceeds flexibility…I'll call your chiropractor…)_

_**I've widened my sources beyond IPP…they're cheaper and the spulleng needs less correction…**_

_**THE LADIES ROOM : SVU (Manhattan)**_

**Bobby Goren is threatening to sue**

About the secrets revealed in this loo.

But I have this compunction

To beat the injunction…

His shorts are all shades of blue!!

**Some of them, they used to be white**

But Goren's laundry went wrong one night.

His jeans he tossed in

After too much gin,

Thus proving he's not all that bright.

**I'm not scared. I'm very relaxed.**

So here's an interesting fact.

Stick your tongue in his ear

You'll find it quite clear

And by his bed, a big ball of wax.

**Bobby's façade away I am stripping**

And on the subject of toenail clippings,

I'm not saying they're tough.

To reveal it's enough

In Denver they're used as road chippings.

**And for last I saved this jewel**

You might think me being cruel,

But when Goren gets gas

It could kill quite a mass

Or be the next hot bio-fuel.

**So here this poem is ending**

As papers his lawyers are sending.

My pictorial ace?

Very clear Goren's face

Who, how and over what they were bending.

_**AN :**_ _**Well what would you expect from SVU?**_


	10. The Gym

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…I told you that you'd get a hernia trying that at your age)_

_**Thanks to getting a job on the contract cleaning crew at 1PP I was able to correct the spelling of this one while it was still on the wall…**_

_**THE LADIES ROOM: The Gymnasium**_

**When Bobby went off to a health spa,**

He spent the first night in the bar.

Needing something with tonic,

After having a colonic

And seeing what came out in the jar.

**In the morning he went to the gym.**

Part of the routine, the aim, to stay thin.

But it wasn't iron pumping

Set his heart a thumping,

It was a girl in white lycra, called Lynn.

**To the pool he went to cool down,**

Wrapped around him a towel (it was brown).

As he undid its folds,

He thought it felt cold

And was left wearing only a frown.

**For his shorts were back in his room,**

He'd left in a hurry, too soon.

The only sound? Women squealing,

At Bobby revealing

As he ran off? A very nice moon!

**The salon face pack was really quite quirky:**

Melon, cucumber and a touch of beef jerky.

But smothered in oil,

Wrapped up in tinfoil,

Bobby felt like a Thanksgiving turkey.

**To stay there was not very wise,**

In the background, some feminine sighs.

He felt just like meat,

They drew lots for a treat

And first prize was both of the thighs.

**So sensing his drumsticks in danger**

Bobby left and ran into a stranger.

Could see from her vest,

She had plenty of breast

And her job was a Texas Ranger.

**She hid out with Bobby in the bar**

And awarded him more than Lone Star.

"_Who needs horse when there's cop?"_

As she scrambled on top,

But yelling _"yeehar"_ was going too far.

**In the grounds was a very small shed,**

To there Goren finally fled.

But a moan was the sound

As his jaw hit the ground

And he faced a guy's very worst dread.

**His blood pressure it started maxing**

His heart felt close to over taxing,

For Goren was locked,

In the _"treatment"_ block

And the place they do all the waxing.

**It's hopeless to think it a dream**

To the sound of your cries and your scream.

Nor can you ignore

The parts that are raw,

When they run out of depilatory cream.

**"_It will grow back"_ no help to Bobby,**

As he hobbled back to the lobby.

With a walk like John Wayne,

And his greatest shame?

The fact he was still crying and sobby.

**What made it worse for him by a zillion?**

The fact it cost close to a million.

His credit card at max,

Even before the tax

And he'd never wanted a Brazilian.

**So Bobby went home to his duty**

Avoids places that promise you beauty,

Can't wait for the day,

When the itch goes away

And Logan stops winking _"That's cutie"_

_**AN :**__** If you go to e-Bay right now you might be lucky… to get one of the few remaining lumps of wax/strips with "Bobby residue" on them…personally I'm off on a Caribbean cruise… I recently came into some unexpected good fortune…yeehar!!**_


	11. Floor Eleven

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them is motivated only by my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretch the limits of that and totally suspend the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron…why are you sharpening that pencil? And don't you think the lawnmower is rather a dangerous thing to use to do it? Told you so)_

_**At last…and thanks to my sources at 1PP…The Holy Grail…a poem from the rest rooms on the Major Case floor of the building…**_

_**THE LADIES ROOM : FLOOR ELEVEN**_

Aaargh! These poems! There seem to be reams!

And I know you wrote some of them, Eames

How many times must I say?

No, never, no way

If it happens, it's just in your dreams.

_And as to the rest of you girls,_

_Forget hair of mine that has curls._

_What are some of you thinking?_

_Or what are you drinking?_

_To think these literary pearls?_

Here's some tips for the writers in here

Lay off the gin and the beer.

If from me you want thanks,

Cut down on the angst

And give me something to cheer**.**

_If from me you are wanting affection_

_Please avoid the blatant projection._

_I don't know what I'll do_

_With the next Mary Sue,_

_The only thing it gives me? Indigestion!_

And if you really must do your worst,

Write _"romance"_ before you just burst,

Heed the hint that comes next,

If you must write of sex

Try doing it once, at least, first.

_Some of you are like dogs with bone._

_For the record, I never groan._

_But what gives me much laughter?_

_The idea I talk after!_

_I'm a guy. I sleep. Now YOU moan._

And since I'm listing my gripes

Here's one for the _"family"_ types.

It gets to be very tiring

These kids that I'm siring

And I'm allergic to ALL baby wipes.

_Carelessness is not one of my sins_

_And what about all of those twins!!_

_Should I say congratulation?_

_On excessive ovulation_

_Or are hormones the cause of these things?_

If I read much more of this dross

I'll start looking strange at my boss.

Take care drama tarts

Or I'll break all your hearts,

Go live happy after with Ross.

_**AN :**__** OMG!! This was written in pencil and signed…"Badge No: 4376" !!…(swoons)**_

_**AN :**__** And no I don't know why he was in the ladies room…but then 5000 buys a lot of ignorance and amnesia…**_


	12. The Roof

_**Disclaimer:**__All of the characters are the property of Dick Wolf. I thank him, the writers, the directors and all the great actors who brought them "to life" for our benefit. Any "liberties" I have taken with them stems from my fond admiration (and a few personal quirks I will seek "help" for)._

_**AN:**__ This story is not set within the accepted "canon" for the characters as it is only officially portrayed by the TV series. So I get to "fool around" with them in ways in which they've never been seen, stretching that to the limit and suspending the "reality" that is "fiction" to start with…now there's a contradiction in terms!!! _

_(And yeah Goren I know the proper word for that is oxymoron...by the way that was a very foolish place to hide an Easter Egg)_

**THE ROOF**

_**I never knew they had rest rooms on the roof of 1PP until my contacts emailed me this...**_

The problem for men with big feet

Is expectation they have to meet

That without gross distortion

They are all in proportion

With enough to give you a treat.

_These walls are steamy with sighs_

_Enough to mist up certain lies_

_Is a certain detective_

_Well endowed or defective?_

_And we know we're not talking thighs._

It was my second day on the job

When I was partnered with Bob

My chance to discover

The truth to uncover

Would I grin? Or stifle a sob?

_It took me nearly three weeks_

_Of snooping and sneaky peeks_

_He was thinking me mad_

_But I was quite glad_

_To note his great "lower" cheeks_

But always eluding my eyes

Was sight of the very first prize.

Bob, my patience was testing

Between folk we're arresting,

Would he measure up to some other guys?

_Then, finally, came my chance_

_After the 1PP Easter dance._

_Goren dressed as a bunny_

_Some found it quite funny,_

_But the bonnet got him looks quite askance._

He made it through his front door

Saying, as he fell to the floor

"Someone's spiked my tea

It must be GHB"

(Which reminds me I need to buy more)

_Working out was my brilliant scheme_

_As Bobby smiled in drug induced dream_

_But I got diverted_

_By thought quite perverted._

_And went and found the ice cream._

My fantasy to enact I was able

But would I need teaspoon or big ladle?

And how many licks

To remove chocolate chips

Before we made out on the table?

_It took a while to gather my facets_

_I was there to measure up Bobby's assets_

_And much as I might yearn_

_He didn't need freezer burn_

_On the family jewels however many carets._

So I began to search with a fumble

As Bob gave a moan and a grumble

He might look so sweet

But those darn great feet!

I tripped and took a bad tumble.

_I said a phrase that rhymes with suck it_

_As I put my hand into Bob's pocket_

_Now you, me must dare_

_To tell what I found there_

_Before your BP it starts to rocket._

In truth it was a tiny amount

Dashed hope you must surmount

For all in all

Bob's turned out quite small,

Though I speak of his checking account.

_And as to the rest of Bob's bits?_

_This really will make you sick_

_For down on that floor_

_My silence I swore_

_Forever secret the size of his...cough_

Whatever Mother Nature, Goren allowed

How well (or not) he's endowed,

It's not the amount

That really should count.

It's skill. And he can be proud.

_I know you are left wanting more_

_But I have to go to the store_

_Deal with your disappointment_

_I have to go and get ointment_

_Carpet burns have left Bobby sore._

_**AN: I have never been anywhere near 1PP since the restraining order was issued...and that's not purple ink...it's a tattoo went very badly wrong.**_


End file.
